Motherhood lately…

(I wrote this post  about a year ago and never posted.. But I’m still posting it even if it’s a little later.)

Most of the time I am grateful for how far God has brought me and how much he changed me for better. 

But there are times, better said days and weeks, when I fall into a hole full of self-pity, “not-enough” feelings and “this is hard” thoughts.

I love being a mom and I’m thankful I get to be a mom. Doing life with kids is more fulfilling and joyous than I’ve ever dreamed of. Mom life requires more patience than your first 20 years of life together, more belly laughs than all the pasta ever eaten, the ability to squat to your kids eye level so they can show you how to sneeze (in your eyeballs) and you get the sloppiest kisses just when you were about to scream your lungs out. 

Being a mom is building me up and tearing me down. It’s making me feel like I’m flying but also keeps my feet grounded.

Let me explain..  

Last week Joshua said a new word: AUTO! It’s been years since he said a new word. I was thrilled and in the Ikea parking lot almost screaming of joy that my kid just said a new word. Of course I saw the people looking. But I wanted to let the whole world know that Joshua just said a new word. That was my flying moment. 

And the moment when I felt teared down this week was when I realised that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to actually have a normal conversation with him. A conversation where he’ll answer back in full sentences. 

Joshua has so much to say and so much to recount. One of the saddest things is when he is trying to tell me something through sigh language or his own signs and I don’t understand him. If you could see the disappointment and sadness in his eyes.. It’s pure heartbreak.  

You got a glimpse into the rollercoaster of emotions that I go through.

Realising that I tend to complain to my husband, sometimes I feel the Holy Spirit reminding me to stop. To stop looking so much on the hard side of motherhood and come to the Lord with a grateful heart. With thankfulness in my heart and willingness to let the Lord shape me and make me a better version of myself each day. Doing the hard work when nobody is looking with a mind set on serving like I would serve Jesus doesn’t come flowing in when the road is so bumpy. 

I think that everyone is in a battle we know nothing about. Everyone is struggling in some area. You’ll never catch me saying that my battle is harder than yours simply because one of my kids has different needs.  Life is hard on most of the people and when we each get a new day, we get the chance to decide how we’re gonna spent it.

I can see how my days are so different when I choose to give thanks to the Lord. I discovered that counting my blessings is the key to thankful heart and attitude. I don’t tend to complain as much or to only see the empty side of the glass when my mind and heart are busy giving thanks to the Lord.  

So today again, I choose to be thankful, thankful for the new word my Joshua is able to say and I refuse to let the devil fill me with grief of what might not ever happen. 

What do you have to be thankful for? Did you count your blessings today?

love, Daria